Microsoft plans to ascend to the next plane of corporate existence with new Redmond campus

Welcome to Microsoft’s latest Earth colony.

Microsoft today unveiled plans to ascend to the next plane of corporate existence by constructing a new high-tech campus, grafting it on top their current Redmond compound. Microsoft appears to be following Apple’s lead, which will soon ascend via the nearly completed Mac mothership.

When fully activated in 5-7 years, Microsoft’s new corporate utopia will be the size of small city, consisting of 131 buildings spread over 140 acres. It will accommodate 8,000 additional employees, bringing the total to 47,000. It’s likely that the new campus will actually house more people than the city of Redmond during working hours.

According to Brad Smith, Microsoft’s president and ethereal captain, the new colony… err, I mean, campus, will “be more open and less formal, divided into a series of ‘team neighborhoods’ while capturing more natural light and fostering the type of creativity that will lead to ongoing innovation to advance the industry and benefit our customers.”

To further enhance the utopian effect, the campus will ditch the automobile in favor of pedestrian and cycling infrastructure; cars will be banished to a subterranean parking garage. The campus will also be tethered to the outside world via a pedestrian bridge and light rail station expected to go online in 2023.

It’s clear that the company is doing whatever it can to lure top nerd talent from the likes of Google, Amazon, and Apple. A new corporate nerdtropolis is just part of the package. But will it be enough? Throw in a little ‘tea time with buns‘ and a 300 foot statue of Bill Gates and it may just be. So go ahead and level up, Microsoft, Qui transtulit sustinet. 


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